to my queerness
By Maddie Wray
It’s been almost three years since I said your name out loud for the first time that day at the beach. I remember sitting with my sister, who had proudly been out for years, on a balcony looking out at the waves crashing on the shore. I told her the way I felt about women and she candidly told me about you; About how she had seen you coming from a mile away,how I had probably suppressed you in order to fit into a mold of a girl I thought I should be. How you weren’t something I should ever want to hide.
I went to college with you by my side, ready to embrace a newfound part of my identity. My new friends loved you like a sister, disregarding the few rogue jokes about threesomes. They treated you and I like we were the same as everyone else, alleviating my fears that you would make me stick out like a sore thumb in Duke’s heteronormative culture. Instead, with you, I have found accepting and kind friends of all sexualities and a community of queer people that make us feel seen, heard, and valued.
My sophomore year, I met my first girlfriend. I had never felt love like this before. It was different from the way I loved men – it was soft and sincere. I found someone who tapped into my mind and my heart. You brought me someone who became so precious to me, and for that I am so grateful.
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My parents loved you from the moment they met you. My mom asked me about the boys in my life, and with shaky hands I told her, “I have a girlfriend.” Her reaction was nothing short of pure happiness, which is all I could’ve asked for. You didn’t change the love my family has for me — you only enhanced it. Now, they can love all parts of who I am.
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Loving you has made me feel whole. Every inch of me now bathes in sunlight instead of sitting lonely in the dark. Even then, there are times when I fear for you, when I hear someone make a bad joke or say a slur. But nevertheless, you bring me strength in those moments and I remember the people around me who love you as much as I do and feel strong.
Learning to love you is the one of the hardest and happiest things I’ve done in my life.
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Happy Valentine’s Day, my queerness. Thank you for helping me love myself more than ever before.
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Love,
Maddie