by Isadora Mamikunian
Incapable
I told myself that I wouldn’t get carried away in daydreams, for love had too high of a
preference to abide in me. I watched it repeat a consistent rhythm, flowing in and out of
others and leaving each with a sense of direction, heartbreak, or emptiness. I longed to feel
the pull of another: the sleepless nights and endless supply of ecstasy, but love was a force
I couldn’t command.
I could pick up each piece of my life and alter it, manage each and bring them back to the
comfort of my eyes but love ran from me. I tried to level with it, playing the same games, it
played in hopes of beating it in its own race; but by the time I came in first, I realized I was
the only one running. I am desperate to predict its uncontrollable nature and embrace its
subtle imperfections. I need to learn to live in its chaos.
First
You came out of nowhere. I did not expect you and I was not looking for you, but then you
came, everything made sense.
Together
It is weird when I am with you. I lose a sense of agency in myself. I can no longer judge the
movements I make or filter pieces of myself I have been taught to hide. The noise of the
outside disappears. Your fingers make indents on my skin.
Belonging
My hands belong to you, my heart belongs to you, you are mine and I am yours.
Drift
I drown out the silence of my own thoughts with the words of others. A constant rhythm
floods my ears. The feeling of emptiness swallows me whole. The days go by as if each one
meant nothing. I cannot escape what I am not running from. I am stuck.
Piece
I am no longer whole without your presence. I long for you when I am in the quiet. It is if we
have fragmented pieces of ourselves and rewoven them.