Post Abroad depression
By Aria Nanda
I went abroad last semester.
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Now, I know what you’re thinking. Oh God, another junior who claims to have come back“changed” after four months gallivanting around Europe. But give me a moment to make my case. I don’t think my experience abroad changed me, but somehow I can’t stop reminiscing on my time in Europe. I find myself sitting in class, trying to focus on John Milton or protein synthesis, daydreaming about walking through the streets of Madrid. And it’s not just in class. Before I go to bed, I’ll close my eyes and slip into memories of Christmas markets, long dinners and inebriated conversations as my mind slowly shuts off. While I definitely do not want to be that annoying spring semester junior who can’t stop talking about abroad, it’s still all I can think about.
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I left for Madrid this past August with anxiety and apprehension. My pessimistic self enters every new experience expecting the worst: four months without seeing my siblings or the friends who stayed at Duke; four months without going home; four months living halfway across the world. When I first arrived in Europe, I didn’t exactly have an easy time. I was homesick, had trouble navigating the city, and it turned out that after two whole semesters of Spanish, I could barely conjugate a verb. But after a few weeks, the difficulties started to melt away. It’s crazy how just in a short matter of time, all that seemed so foreign became so familiar. Surrounded by new friends and old, gorgeous art, (and sexy Spanish men, of course), I suddenly felt that I had landed in the dream world that was abroad.
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We often don’t know how good we have it until we look back on the past, but trust me, I knew that the euphoria I was experiencing abroad was special. I was actively grateful every day and didn’t take anything for granted. I remember one day in September walking home with a new friend and a smile on my face. We were talking about what a great day we were having. “It’s crazy,” I said laughingly. “I’m actually looking forward to the next few months here ” I said it as a joke, but speaking the words aloud was a big deal for me.
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Ever since I was kid, optimism and positivity were not things that came easily to me. It was always easier to expect the worst, to never get my hopes up, and to feel vindicated whenever things went wrong. My glass always seemed half empty. I don’t like my pessimistic attitude, but I’ve never been able to relinquish it —until this past semester. For the first time, I felt like I was living life to its fullest, like I was seizing every opportunity and just enjoying what this world had to offer. There seemed to be so much to look forward to in the future. Every weekend was a new city and a new experience. I was reminded of what it’s like to look at the future with anticipation and excitement rather than dread.
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By the time my abroad semester had ended, I was ready to come home and return to a life filled with routine and familiarity. I arrived at Duke with all the excitement that usually accompanies the return to school. I caught up with the friends I hadn’t seen in months and went back to taking pictures of the chapel on my walk to Science Drive.
But I soon noticed a change from my abroad perspective. Life felt dull, more predictable, and devoid of the endless spontaneity I experienced in Spain. I was forced to surrender to the monotony of university life. I found myself trapped in my old thought patterns. My newfound optimism gave way to my previous cynical habits.
My friends seemed to be falling into a rut, too. Political anxiety, family issues, friend group drama — all the stressors we had escaped abroad started to haunt us again. We coined a phrase that we now jokingly use of late: “Post-abroad depression” or “PAD,” if you prefer acronyms. I’ve spoken to so many people who resonate with this feeling of PAD, who endure this unsettling adjustment back to reality. College is full of transitions and adjustments, and unexpectedly, I found this transition back from abroad to be one of the more difficult ones. I thought that I had already mastered the process of moving from one place to the next, but this move back to Duke somehow still managed to disrupt the way I moved about life.
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Despite the challenging transition back, the lessons I learned abroad have helped me to better cope with the challenges I face this semester. My time in Europe taught me how to truly be present and appreciate what I have in the moment. Abroad also allowed me to relinquish my fear of the future. I used to dread life after graduation, but now the unknown world of post-grad life seems exciting. Most importantly, my time abroad taught me that I don’t have to expect the worst or view the world in a negative light.
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Optimism requires vulnerability. You have to see the best in people and openly admit your hopes and desires in order to truly embrace optimism. You have to acknowledge that you might be dissatisfied with the way things are today but not let that stop you from pursuing a better tomorrow. So although I may continue to find myself looking back to the beautiful four months I had last semester, I now know that the future holds just as much beauty — if not more.
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